I have changed so much, my life has changed so much and although there are days that I feel pretty confident in my ability to carry on with life sans my momma, there are many more days that I wake up feeling fragile and shattered, much like a window through which a baseball has been thrown from the hand of a careless child. On those days, my brokenness is so tangible I can almost feel the wind blowing through the shards.
It sounds like I am a basket case...maybe I am - sometimes I feel like I am turning into a crazy lady who would wear funky hats and talk to strangers. But I truly think it is just the natural grieving process...and because I have been so blessed in my life, it feels so very strange and eccentric to me. I never cried before my momma died...never in public and rarely in private....now, I leak like a broken pipe at the mere thought of my mom. (or a sad commercial, or song, or happy commercial or song!)
Throughout the very short ordeal of mom's illness and passing, I received many sweet sentiments, cards and letters from many people who I love dearly. I was gifted with food, flowers, sweet fellowship over coffee and Coke and Reese's cups. I was lifted up in prayer, prayed with, prayed over, and carried throughout the whole ordeal in the arms of so many dear, dear friends. I was also given a small figurine from a dear lady who has been in my life for over 30 years. She means the world to me, always has, and although life kept us apart for many years, I am so grateful she is back in my orbit...and so very thankful she came back in my orbit before all this tragedy befell me. Her support through it all has been incredible. She gave me a figurine of a child holding a balloon with the word HOPE on the balloon. I have it sitting in my kitchen. I gaze on it everyday. It reminds me of her, her encouragement, her sweet words that have floated to me over the Internet at the very times I have needed them. It reminded her of this poem that helped her through a similar time...
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops - at all -
And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -
And sore must be the storm -
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm -
I’ve heard it in the chillest land -
And on the strangest Sea -
Yet - never - in Extremity,
It asked a crumb - of me.
This morning I found this verse during my devotion. It syncs right up with the theme of hope that I have been clinging to all month....
"This happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us … and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us.” (2 Corinthians 1:9-10 NIV)
For the past month, many times I have questioned "why?" Wondered out loud and to others why this happened. Guess what ....it happened so I would not rely on myself but on God. On His deliverance. That my hope would be set on Him for that continued deliverance. It was such a comfort to me... I just can't begin to tell you what this did for me. It raised me up from sorrow...put me on the forward path of HOPE. I was headed there -- but now I feel like I am really on the right path after all. Hope---- Hope--- Hope!!!
I am hopeful today...sad, but hopeful!
Living HOPEFULLY in the moment!